to leave or not to leave...

I've been thinking about it for the past few months... at first i thought i would be spending the rest of my life here; i liked being here for the first few months... It used to be a bed of roses.

then i started to suffocate... started to have arguments with my mother for spending 90% of my life here. At times she would say, ". Ingatkan jadi cikgu boleh lah balik awal, tolong2 ibu... ni mengalahkan lawyer, smpai malam2 pun kat skolah... kena jadi jaga pun ye malam2 (she's referring to our duty; jaga prep malam), kalau rumah dekat x apa, ni skolah ko dah lah dlm hutan. nak drive sorang2, bahaya.. asek keje je... jangan jadi anak dara tua dah lah nanti" I gulped and looked around me. Yes, there are quite a number of them here... It's already 5pm, and after this I have to drop by Mydin Mall or Tesco to buy some groceries.... bla,bla,bla, plus, minus I would arrive home by probably 8-9pm.

"Apa lagi kau buat kat sni, Izzuana?" Cikgu M suddenly appeared
behind me while I was getting ready to go home. "ada keje sket. Lagipun tadi ada
class tambahan form 1." I just smiled - weakly "yang kau dtg balik ni kenapa?"

"Aku nak ambil barang... dah byk kali sabtu kita keje kan?
Aii, form 1 pun dah ada class tambahan? Aku x dan nak balik kampung pun.
Dah le Nana, gi lah balik. ko ni pegi keje, balik keje, bila nak jumpa jodohnya?
gi singgah mana2 cari jodoh." He looked concerned. And serious about it.

I
laughed. "Ada-ada je ko ni..."

As i
was strolling and choosing the stuff that i needed, my mind was floating
elsewhere... I smiled watching a young lady, about my age , carrying her toddler
in her arms while her hubby was pushing the trolley. I hope i would have the
time to do that, someday, insyAllah... but will i be able to if i continue to be
where i am?

All of
these remind me about Andrea in the movie The Devil wears Prada when she was doing great at work. "My personal life is hanging by
a thread," she told Nigel, her colleague about her relationship with her
bf. And Nigel's response was, "Join the club... That's what happens when you
start doing well at work. Let me know when your whole life goes up in
smoke. That means it's time for a promotion."

Some of my colleague's husband would say things like, "Mummy bwk je la
tilam and bantal ke ofis mummy tu.."

I envy them who have the time to do their masters; yes, u cuya! And also
the time to date almost every single day; yes, u also cuya! The last time i met
him was a few months ago; since he is also busy with work... i'm starting to get
sick of this... when i handed in the forms to my KJ, there was this look on her
face. i was ready... dgr jelah leteran beliau... i was truly, madly, deeply
astonished when she said...

"Do u have the soft copy of these? Buatkan i sekali, nana... I've been thinking
about it, and i had a long chat with my husband last night..."

I smiled. We went in together to see the No 1. To our surprise, 6 of
our colleagues (excluding us) had already submitted the forms the day before.
There are 3 more forms on the way to the NO 1. His face was flushed red but he
acted as if nothing serious happened.

"It's
nothing against u, it's just that, we have our own needs," said kj.

I just
sat next to her. Not a word.

Ya
Allah, kau perkenankanlah hajat kami ini.... amin.....